My calves are colossal. It doesn’t help that I have cankles either. It’s like…you’re looking at my foot, and as your eyes wander up my leg (not that there should be any reason why anyone would do this), you suddenly get to my elephant sized calf. You’re wondering, where’s her ankle? There was no transition from her hobbit foot to her calf. Intersting. Or not.

I’ve always had plus-sized calves even though I’m not a plus-sized girl. Knee high boots have never worked for me (minus one lucky suede pair I found two winters ago). The type of boots that are slouchy and spacious around the calves on most girls are like XS spandex on me: tight and cutting off circulation.

I was at DSW searching for booties last night, since obviously, anything that goes higher than my ankle will not fit. I did, however, find these pair of Chinese Laundry over-the-knee leather boots that looked huge. I mean, the shaft looked like it could fit my upper thigh, so as I sat down to try them on, I slowly began to pull the leather boot up my leg. The material was getting tighter and tighter as it went further up my leg, but surprisingly, it made it past my knee. But let me tell you, the material was so tight around my calf, my skin was basically one with the leather. The style of the boot was supposed to be loose slouchy, and yet, there I was in it, looking like a dominatrix. All I needed were handcuffs and a whip to complete the outfit. When I tried to “slide” it off (the way it should), I found myself in a difficult situation. It was stuck. You know how sometimes you force a ring onto your finger, knowing you’ll need soap and water to get it off? Well, that was like me with this leather boot, except I had no soap and water. There I was frantically trying to get it off, but my calf had swelled, and I began to sweat from nervousness, which only made it harder to get off because my skin became sticky. I ended up having to dig my fingers under the material and peel it off my leg, pushing it down my leg inch my inch, scratching my skin with my nails as I did it. Needless to say, I opted not to purchase the damn boots, for my sake and for the public’s sake.

My efforts were not futile though! I ended the night with 3 new pairs of shoes: 2 pairs of leather booties and a pair of nice simple black leather pointed heels. I’m set for the winter.